Orwellproject  - Blogging Reality and Scripted TV Since Summer 2000

“WEEKEND UPDATE” CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER — “Shocking news out of New York this week…turns out the whistle blower was having his whistle blown. During a short press conference Monday in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife Silda stood by his side. Apparently to make sure there were no prostitutes under the podium.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “On Tuesday, Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary with nearly 90 percent of the black vote in the state, but only one quarter of the white vote. While Mississippi’s Asian guy is still too scared to leave his house.”

MEYERS – “Many California parents who home-school their children are upset by a California court ruling that may force their children to be taught by a credentialed teacher. Said one angry parent, ‘This is just like what the Nazis did to the Eskimos in the 1850’s.’”

POEHLER — “According to a new report, a cocktail of more than 15 drugs ranging from pain relievers to veterinary medicine, have been found in New York City’s drinking water. The good news, you can now freebase your Brita Filter.”

MEYERS — “The revelation of Eliot Spitzer’s involvement with a high-end prostitution ring is one of the most shocking and abrupt political scandals in recent history. And it brings us to a segment we like to call… “Really with Seth and Amy.”

MEYERS — “Really, Eliot Spitzer? Did you not think prostitution rings get busted? Your job used to be busting prostitution rings. Really. And the service you used was called Emperor’s Club VIP. Really? As a rule, if something has VIP in the title it’s not for VIP’s. If you see a place called the VIP Nail Salon in Midtown, you will not find Keira Knightly there.”

POEHLER — “And you used a fake name but your real home address. Really? That’s like wearing a fake mustache and a t-shirt that says ‘I’m wearing a fake mustache.’ And your fake name was your buddy’s name. And not only that, you picked a buddy whose name sounds made-up. George Fox? Really? Why not just go with Captain Superdong?”

MEYERS — “And you wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn’t want to wear a condom? Really? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I’m ninth in line at the deli.”

POEHLER — “And Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didn’t have to stand there. Really. Tammy Wynette would not have stood there. And if you do stand up there you have permission to make goofy faces. You can go like this [motions crazy]. You can make rabbit ears. You can do one of these [points with thumb] then go like this [motions small penis]. It’s your time to shine.”

MEYERS — “Also, liberals; quit complaining that Larry Craig didn’t resign after his sex scandal. Larry Craig tapped his foot in a bathroom. Eliot Spitzer spent eighty thousand dollars on prostitutes. You can’t compare. It’s not apples and oranges; that’s apples and prostitutes. And side note, Larry Craig you have to resign too, I mean, really.”

POEHLER – “Yeah, you have to resign too.”

MEYERS – “Spitzer’s worse but you really have to resign.

MEYERS/POEHLER — Really? Really? Huh?

DON PARDO – “This has been ‘Really, with Seth and Amy.’”

POEHLER — “In his first televised interview since suspending his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney on Tuesday said he would be ‘honored’ to serve as John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. Which was an odd response to the question, ‘So, how do you like this weather?’”

POEHLER –”An 800 pound Mexican man’s attempt to go to a picnic in pursuit of a date was ruined after the flatbed truck carrying his bed to the event hit an overpass and his bed was damaged, forcing him to return home. Which is a shame, as otherwise, the plan was solid.”

MEYERS — “The first finalist voted off ‘American Idol’ this week was David Hernandez, who was a former stripper, and is now a current stripper.”

MEYERS — “A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: if you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.”

POEHLER — “The State Department upset human rights groups this week by removing China from its annual list of human rights violators. This, despite their plan to light the Olympic torch using an outspoken journalist.”

POEHLER — “A new study shows that at least one in four teenage girls in the US has a sexually transmitted disease. ‘I like those odds,’ said Mr. Mathis, the cool history teacher.”

MEYERS — “This week, the issue of race once again became the focal point for the Democratic Presidential candidates. Hillary Clinton’s longtime advisor, Geraldine Ferraro, said ‘If Barack Obama was a white man he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is.’ Here to comment, an old friend of ours, Tracy Morgan.”

TRACY MORGAN — “Thank you Seth. Mmm, mmm, mmm, why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, there’s always someone coming around to remind us he’s black. First it was Tiger. Then Donovan McNabb. Then me. And now Barack. I got a theory about that. It’s a little complicated but basically it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end.”

“Maybe not the people in this room but if we’re not a racist country then how did Hillary convince everybody in Texas and Ohio that Barack didn’t know how to answer the phone at three in the morning? Let me tell you something, Barack knows how to answer that phone. He’s not going to answer it like “Hello. I’m scared and what’s going on.” He’s going to answer it like I do when I get a call at three in the morning. “Who’s this? It better be good or I’m gonna come down there and put somebody’s in a wheelchair.” People say he’s not a fighter. Let me tell you something, he’s gangster. He’s from Chicago.”

Barack Obama is not just winning because he is black. If that were the case I would be winning. I’m way blacker than him. I used to smoke Newports and drink Old English. I grew up on government cheese. I prefer it.”

“And now there’s all this noise about this pastor. Barack has to stay away from him because he’s too black. Just because he knows the dude, doesn’t mean he’s gonna think like him. Look, I have a friend that goes to strip clubs. That doesn’t mean I go to strip clubs.”

MEYERS — “But you do go to strip clubs.”

MORGAN — “But I go for the girls! Not because my friend goes. I have integrity. Barack is qualified! Personally I want to know what qualifies Hilary Clinton to be the next president. Is it because she was married to the president? If that were true then Robin Givens would be heavyweight champion of the world. If Hillary’s last name wasn’t Clinton she’d just be some crazy white lady with too much money and not enough lovin’. That’s where I come in. I know women like that. You do not want them on the phone at three in the morning.

“In conclusion, three weeks ago my girl Tina Fey came on this show and declared ‘Bitch is the new Black.’ You know I love you Tina. You know you’re my girl. But I have something to say: Bitch may be the new black. But black is the new president, bitch.”

POEHLER — “A new study has found that 17 percent of schoolchildren are already drinking alcohol by middle school. The remaining 83 percent: still nerds.”

MEYERS — “Officials in Amsterdam now say that people can have sex in a city park as long as it is limited to the evening hours or night and is not near the playground. Adding, ‘Oh what the heck - - do it in the playground.’

MEYERS — “A small Iowa town that is being overrun by stray cats has offered a five dollar bounty for each animal captured and turned in. Sounds like a job for ‘Actual Dog the Bounty Hunter.’”

POEHLER — “The CW is developing an updated version of the 1990’s hit show Beverly Hills, 90210. It’s called ‘One O.C. Gossip Tree Creek.’”

MEYERS — “Yesterday was Pi Day, which is celebrated by mathematicians because March 14th, or 3/14 is the value of pi. So yeah, I’m was pretty hungover this morning.”

POEHLER — “Poland’s Prime Minister Donal Tusk visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish submarines.”

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